thinking lately.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about integrity. I have always felt I had a strong sense of self and discernment of what was good. How I was as honest as I felt I could be and maybe a little too much. I have been overwhelmed by how my mind runs wild and my mouth follows in ramble, but I’m not really saying anything. All of these things add to the ever-present question I have asked myself lately: Does the intention of my character come out the way I hope it does? 

For example: In the moments where no one is there, am I trustworthy? Do I seek honesty, justice, and truth? Am I genuine in those pursuits? And in the times I am with others, does it change? If it does, why? 

I’m beginning to wonder if the way I have acted out my character, has been motivated by something else. Like what my loved ones expect of me, the way a past relationship treated me, or even the way I have hidden behind my self-reliance and my self-doubt. When I take a deeper look at myself, I do not think I have done it right. I haven’t done myself much justice here. And I certainly haven’t given others an honest chance to love me for the whole of me. 

I think that has been the biggest cost of my lack of courage. What version of myself have I not nourished because of my lack of personal integrity? Who have I missed out on learning from because of my inability to listen? 

I’m taking in these questions and sitting with them. I don’t think I have had integrity in my character and it has hurt myself and my relationships. I want to commit myself to listening more. To sifting through the stalls and sitting with all the bullshit I have let myself develop. From there, cleaning and relearning what it means to maintain this sense of self. I commit myself to taking responsibility for my actions and listening to myself when I need space. I want to be held accountable when I am wrong. To release my grip on my need to feel recognized, and seen. I am choosing to pursue that integrity, to learn generosity, and to embrace humility. I do not want to perform nor be complacent and that line is blurry most days. But I commit myself to the work of it. Day by day, hour by hour.